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Monday, July 28, 2008

The Full Monty

Warning: This blog contains personal information regarding body waxing, extreme pain, and my hoo-ha. It is not for the faint of heart.

I've gotten bikini waxes. They hurt.

How much more could a Brazilian-Full-Monty-No-Muss-No-Fuss-Front-to-Back wax hurt?

The answer?

A HELL OF A LOT MORE!!!

I have decided that I can no longer be trusted with myself. I need a conservator of my well-being. Someone who takes me gently by the hand and leads me back into the asylum.

I have been toying with the idea of getting a Brazilian for a long time. I've been getting bikini waxes for years, and Brazilians just seem like they would be so much more...um...thorough. Skimpy bikini here I come.

Four pant sizes later, I have no business wearing a skimpy bikini, much less subjecting some poor aesthetistician to my body contorted into all sorts of embarrassing positions. But I am going to Hilton Head and I want to be able to flounce around sans worries on the beach.

I figured it would be smart to test out the Brazilian before my vacation, in case I have some sort of bad reaction to it.

This is the last smart thought that I had.

Ben had already gotten me a full day of pampering at the spa. Massage, Facial, Eye Brow wax, Lip Wax, Pedicure, and Manicure. What a perfect opportunity to tack on the Brazilian I had always wanted to try?

What follows is an account of what happened in those hours at the spa. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Saturday morning I took three Tylenol extra strength tablets and headed off to Abu Ghraib...I mean the spa. After a lovely thirty minute massage with Sven, I figured I was plenty relaxed to survive the Brazilian like a pro. I was led into the facial room and Sadie the sadist, my aesthetistician, informed me that I would be getting all the waxing done first and then the facial. That way I could wind down after she was done.

Eye brows. Rip Rip Rip. No problem.

Upper lip. Rip Rip. Pointless. Fortunately, I don't really have that much hair on my upper lip, so she just removed the top layer of skin for no reason. Oh well, no biggie.

Now the moment of truth. I ask Sadie, "Does this hurt much worse than a regular bikini wax?"

Sadie replies, "Um..well...I have to be honest with you. I've never gotten one done myself before, so I don't know."

Red flag.

Run.

But I don't run. Instead I spread eagle and invite Sadie the Sadist to dive on in.

Now, in my mind, I had envisioned there was some way that these extreme waxers managed to remove every last hair without actually touching my most sensitive lady parts. I couldn't imagine how, and there is a reason...because there is no way to remove every last hair without actually touching my most sensitive lady parts. My gynecologist hasn't been that involved in my lady parts.

Now as mortifying as voluntarily being molested by a total stranger might seem, this thought really doesn't cross your mind. In fact, no thoughts cross your mind, because the amount of agonizing pain that you are in makes your eyes fog over and your brain bleed.

Think being smacked in the pubic region with a hair brush made of nails while making small talk...

For an hour and a half.

That's right, people.

One and one half hour.

90 minutes.

I managed to make it through without crying, but that was probably only because I was unable to blink for over an hour. All of Sven's hard work grinding the myriad of knots out of my back, was completely wasted now. The facial might have been relaxing, had my groin area not felt like someone had just run over it with a lawn mower. As I sat in shock, while someone whose name I didn't even catch rubbed my feet and painted my nails, I glanced over at myself in the mirror. I looked like a newly released POW.

Sadie has assured me that if I get Brazilian's regularly that it will only take half an hour and be far less painful.

I am waiting to see if Brazilian's are indeed like child birth. If I somehow mysteriously forget all the pain, maybe I'll be back in a few weeks before my vacation.

Maybe.

The things women do in the name of beauty.

At least I have pretty toenails, while I rehab my hoo-ha.


9 comments :

Anonymous said...

Man, that was hilarious-yet painful to read! I have been considering having that procedure done...but have been on the fence. Now...um, I think I might research a depilatory or something cuz that sounds just horrifying! Thanks for sharing and I hope you healed nicely :)

Monty-Reconsidered

Anonymous said...

My mother does waxing, and she has done my bikini line, armpits, legs, etc many times.
I had the same mind-frame as you did; maybe I should just go for it. It can't be that much worse, right?

After reading that, I guess I got my answer. Haha.

Anonymous said...

Ohhhhh...I am going to Hawaii in September and thought about getting it all waxed off except an upside down triangle. After reading that, hell no way!!
Thanks for the heads up and advice!
Oh, and I tried waxing the upper lip. It hurt to bad to rip off the 2nd strip, had to ask my husband.

Anonymous said...

I have to say that this post is complete bull. I read this before getting my full-monty and was scared to death.

I got a Brazilian as the first time of private waxing. and it was NOTHING.

It took her 90 minutes? I have trouble believing that. I've gone twice now and both times have been under 20 minutes (yes, even the first time). They are quick, and each rip is similar to a sharp hard slap from an open palm.

It's definitely not pleasant, I'm not arguing that, but nothing even close to worth CRYING over, let along even tensing up. I only tense up when she is going over the most sensitive part. and that is one quick rip and it's over.

You greatly exaggerated this. Either that or you're a big baby.

Anyone thinking about getting one (and wanting to), just do it. It's really not as bad as you think it's going to be

Ann said...

I have gotten many brazilians since I posted this blog THREE years ago.  And PP poster is correct, I must have gotten a really bad aesthetistician, because it is not nearly as bad as my first experience was with the Full Monty.  So if you are on the fence, PLEASE do more research than reading this blog into finding a waxer who is reputable and, preferably, who someone that you know has seen.

That said, when I wrote this it was a genuine reflection of my experience.  That doesn't make me a big baby.  It makes me a blogger sharing what was a hilarious although mortifying experience.  If PP spent less time trolling blogs and leaving bitchy comments, maybe she would recognize hyperbole when she sees it.  

::smooches::

Anonymous said...

It must have been that technicians first time... cause there is no way it should have taken 90 minutes... unless you were sporting a nice gorilla suit you failed to mention. also the longer the hair, the more painful.

keep it trimmed to about 1/4 of an inch, yes it will be painful but totally tolerable and the discompfort should not last very long at all.

happy waxing ;)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for having the grace to add the follow-up to the conversation. Like many people, I've been trolling the internet and talking to experienced local friends trying to get up the gumption to go. I appreciated this advice!

Anonymous said...

I love waxing. It hurts a bit, bit its not that bad. Especially the first few times, but if you have a good waxing schedule, your body gets used to it. Try waxing yourself, and I am not talking about legs or arms (which I have been doing for 8 years), I am talking about brazilian front and back and everything. I recently moved to an area where I am just not liking the salons, so all the experimenting led me to waxing brazilian myself. Its more painful than someone doing that deed for you! Although, you get plenty of stretching exercises, a perfect warmup before going for a run!!

Anonymous said...

I fall in love.