So I’m coming up on my six week post-partum appointment, and my body is just a little different than it was this time last year. This time last year I was flouncing around on a beach in Hilton Head in a bikini, so devoid of self consciousness that I decided to throw caution to the wind and get married at sunrise in a skimpy dress I bought in a gift shop for $15.
Fast forward a year. I am jiggling around my house, covered in breast milk and spit up, barely able to will myself out the front door for fear that someone might ask me when I am “due”, causing me to have a complete nervous breakdown. After 8 months of joyfully consuming copious amounts of Indian food and store bought cake, I have given birth to a 5 lb preemie who is supposed to be distracting me from such vanities. Let’s just say she could be doing a better job.
So it is only fitting that Heather Chapman, local blogger, Herald Leader news assistant, mommy, and SCAPA Creative Writing alumna same as Moi, should start blogapaLOSEa right now (full details here). After seeing brave Heather boldly post not only her feet on a scale, but also a full body photo from the front and the BACK, I decided I too could be brave enough to subject myself to public humiliation in the name of accountability.
I humbly submit my mortification for your review. Let us begin with the Diagram of Shame:
A. The Gaggle (Please don’t eat me for Thanksgiving Dinner.)
B. Ginormous Milk Filled Nunga Nungas (Not. Hot.)
C. The Culprit (a.k.a Hannah, The Nugget, My Extra Five Pounds)
D. Uber Fupa (like a deflated beach ball full of sand)
E. Double Knee Chins (dimples optional depending on how I’m sitting)
F. Swimmie® Arms (Perfect for floating in my sea of regret)
G. Saddle Bags (yeah, if I were an elephant)
H. The Stalker Butt (because there’s nothing like the constant feeling of being followed)
And finally, although not required my contest rules, I give you the scale:
*Cue thunder and Psycho shower scene theme music*
So what am I going to do to get back down to my goal weight of 140 lbs? For starters portion control. As a breastfeeding Mommy I need 1800 calories a day, because breastfeeding actually burns anywhere from 300 to 800 calories a day. That said…it’s not really that hard to eat 1800 calories. So, I’ve been trying to not go for that 3rd or 4th slice of pizza if you catch my drift.
Despite the fact that I really want that $75 prize for losing the most pounds, the scale is not the most important thing to me right now. My deflated body really needs to be toned up. I was a runner before I got pregnant and pitifully talked myself into a completely sedentary pregnancy in the name of protecting the baby. Now that I realize I never should have stopped running it is tempting to get out and try to run 3 miles on the first day. I know from experience, however, that is just asking for shin splints, wrecked knees, and quitter inducing soreness. So I am doing the Couch to 5K program and have already completed the first week.
I’ll go into more detail on the C25K program in the weeks to come, as it is one of the best beginners running programs that I have ever done. For now, here’s wishing all of us ladies luck and many pounds lost in the weeks to come.