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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

10 Things I'll Be Thankful For When Thanksgiving Is Over


It's that time of year again, where we all pretend that Thanksgiving is just as awesome as Christmas or Hanukkah.  It's not.  Thanksgiving is only necessary, because without the annual binge before the REAL holidays our stomachs would lack the elasticity necessary to make it through Gluttony December until Shame January.  However, I do like the tradition of remembering what we are thankful for.  So here are 10 things I will be thankful for when Thanksgiving is over:

  1. Being able to listen to Christmas music without being shamed.  I LIKE CHRISTMAS CAROLS.  They combine the whimsy of childhood with the dignity of the French Horn.  So suck it.
  2. Not having to hear everyone and their brother exclaim, "I can't believe they already have the Christmas stuff out!  It's not even Thanksgiving yet!"  Every year, people?  Really?  Retailers put Christmas crap out early, because THEY had to do their Christmas shopping before you did, to meet supply and demand, and to extend the highest profiting purchasing season by a few weeks.  Why do they do it?  Because of us.  Just ride the wave.
  3. I can go back to pretending I don't know anyone who actually participates in Black Friday.  You're too weird to exist in my world.
  4. We can all remember that other meat exists besides turkey and honey baked ham.
  5. I can watch Albert Finney's A Christmas Carol musical without feeling like a creepy old gay man.  You just caaaaaaan't really pull that off until after the turkeys have all been slaughtered.
  6. The cacophony of competition on Twitter and Facebook amidst the Mommy Club will hopefully have subsided some.  "I'm making sweet potato souffle with sweet potatoes I grew in my organic garden."  "Oh, really?  Well I am doing an Asian inspired turkey we raised ourselves from a poult. The kids are putting on a Christmas production entirely in Chinese while the blood drains."
  7. The snowman plates I use year round because I'm too lazy to put them away and too cheap to buy real dishes will seem just slightly less white trash.
  8. The what-did-we-even-do-week at work will be over.  This workaholic does not approve of days off in the middle of the week.
  9. Ground cloves will go back on the completely overused once a year shelf on the spice rack.
  10. I can gently place my feelings about Native Americans back in their white guilt box.  They might have been thankful for new friends and great food during the first Thanksgiving feast, but I bet they would have been more thankful without the smallpox and the syph.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving, but remember.  After tomorrow, I WILL be blaring "I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas" as loud and as long as I can until December the 26th.  Deal with it.

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